Hello

(c) Jonathon Keenan

Well we are a couple of weeks into Two at The Royal Exchange. It seems to be going very well, certainly audience reaction has been great and everyone at the theatre appears to be quite pleased with what we are doing. I’m really enjoying it and I know Vicky is as well. I always find myself in a tizz at what to do about ‘blowing my trumpet’ with things like this. I cringe sometimes at people I admire a lot tweeting every last little bit of praise they get – be it just a message about a gig or a review. It’s a funny one – if I was on tour doing stand up and getting loads of reviews that said I was the best thing ever but I wasn’t selling enough tickets then I’m sure I’d be a bit more forward at spreading the received love.

As it is – it doesn’t really matter how many tickets we sell for Two – I don’t get anymore dosh. Honest – I’m only getting one wage as well despite playing seven characters in the bloody thing.

However, I’m dead keen for as many people to see this as possible, houses so far have been really great for this time of year (I’m told) but we could always do with a few more bums on seats. So, I’m cutting and pasting some of the comments and reviews we have received. Obviously not the rubbish ones (there haven’t been (m)any). There are some great deals around especially early in the week – be great to see you.

‘* * * * *  THIS PERFECT LITTLE PLAY…BRILLIANTLY PLAYED..I CANNOT THINK OF A PLAY I HAVE ENJOYED MORE, OR FELT MORE MOVED’ The Independent

‘The design gets it JUST RIGHT… so do…Justin Moorhouse and Victoria Elliott..WARM, TENDER & WRYLY COMIC.’ The Guardian

‘TREMENDOUS performances – thanks to Moorhouse and Elliott, TWO is ENGAGING and WITTY yet FULL OF PATHOS.  They’re QUITE A DOUBLE ACT’ The Stage

* * * *Comedian Justin Moorhouse and actress Victoria Elliott work WONDERFULLY as a team..the two actors do an INCREDIBLE job..Elliott in particular is A JOY to watch.’ whatsonstage.com

‘Moorhouse and Elliott are SUPERB throughout..Moorhouse..is both BRILLIANTLY DISTURBING and TOUCHINGLY POIGNANT…Elliott is EXTRAORDINARY ‘ Exeunt Magazine

‘AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO WATCH.  As landlord and landlady they CRACKLE AND SPARKLE, loving and hating each other, picking at the raw nerve until the secret is out. IF YOU ONLY GO INTO ONE PUB THIS YEAR,MAKE SURE IT’S THIS ONE. ‘ The Daily Post

‘Elliott is EXCELLENT – Moorhouse is a REVELATION – BOTH DESERVE THE OVATION THAT THEY GET’ The Times

‘Moorhouse – ENGAGING , FUNNY AND WONDERFULLY ABLE TO EVOKE PATHOS…Elliott – ACTS HER SOCKS OFF – MOST DELICIOUSLY FUNNY’ Manchester Evening News

‘IF YOU’VE NEVER SET FOOT IN A THEATRE – TWO is SURE TO GIVE YOU THE BUG…THIS PLAY HAS EVERYTHING’ The Messenger

@Anne_L_Kershaw
Thoroughly enjoyed Two at @rxtheatre with @justinmoorhouse very funny and very intense. Really loved it.

@wifenotlodger
Thanks @rxtheatre for a night at the ‘pub’ watching Two, where our emotions were tickled, torn and twisted in the name of Love! #RXTWITIC

@ladybehave
Laughed & (almost) cried tonight @rxtheatre & @justinmoorhouse had me nearly convinced he was a small, duffel-coated boy at one point.

@st_murphys
@justinmoorhouse @rxtheatre Me and @coatsy82 loved it. Well done to you all.

@lisadonnelly33
Just seen Two @rxtheatre. Go and see. Its ace. Funny and poignant and sad. @justinmoorhouse was brilliant

Well it’s Saturday night and I’m tired, so tired. We did the last run through of Two today at the Royal Exchange. Tonight is the last performance of ‘You Can’t Take It With You’ which if you saw it you will know was absolutely fantastic. Audiences and critics loved the show and it did great business. No pressure following that then. I remember this night last year – our last show of Zack and a drink in the bar to celebrate, reflect and have a think about it all was spoiled by the sight of our beautiful set being ripped out moments after our final show. It felt horrible, like something delicate and gracious being stood on whilst we watched through the glass unable to stop it. Ok enough now, it’s only pretending and fannying about isn’t it?

Tomorrow morning our set will be going in and Monday we start our technical rehearsal. I think it’s been the hardest few weeks of my life. Learning lines isn’t something I’m very good at (in fact I’m still doing a bit of that). Slip in there the fact we each play seven characters, mime all the actions (no props) and there is a bit of dancing – not to mention that this play has comedy, sadness, tragedy, slapstick and little bit of violence for your psychopath has left me shattered. Shattered body and head. It’s worth it though. If we pull this off I reckon it’ll be a cracker. There is definitely the feeling that we have to do the play, the theatre, Greg Hersov the Director (and his team) justice. You just can’t hide with this one. Jim Cartwright wrote this for Sue Johnston and John McArdle when they left Brookside years ago and they’ve both really helped Vicky and me come to grips with it. Jim came in during rehearsals to meet us and talk about the play and it was a joy to have him in for therunon Friday. (We think he liked it – that or he is a brilliant liar).

Previews start on Tuesday which is a day earlier than usual for the Exchange but I think it’ll be good for us to get an audience in. It’s looking like the previews are mostly sold out but there are some tickets for Tuesday – half price for preview and you can find them here.

Hope you like it if you come and let me know if you are.

Cheers

Justin x

ps Just reread what I’ve wrote and I’m aware it sounds like the ramblings of a pretentious luvvy but that’s probably what I am now – sorry.
pps The title of the blog is weird hey? You’ll have to come to the theatre to find out why.

So tomorrow morning we are going to announce a cracking night of stand up comedy in the round at The Royal Exchange in Manchester. Got a couple of cracking guests that will probably mean it’ll sell out very quickly. The night is 31st January and all the proceeds are going to Wood St Mission and the Children’s Adventure Farm. Two great bunches of people who do amazing stuff for the most vulnerable in our society.
Join my mailing list to make sure you find out how to get priority tickets.

Ta

Justin xx

Just a quick note to say I’m on Celebrity Mastermind BBC1 tomorrow today at 630pm. Hope you watch it and enjoy it. I have to say I spent a considerable amount of nervous energy beforehand so if I look shaky that’s what it was. Also I think I laboured this point before I did it – I don’t consider myself a ‘celebrity’ but that seems to be the word they use these days – a lot. Believe me I’d have been much happier appearing on ‘Had a small part ten years ago in a sitcom and done a few bits since’ Mastermind but it wasn’t an option. Besides the chance to give Wood St Mission a few quid and have fun was too good a chance to turn down. I’ll be avoiding social networking tea time tomorrow today as people (even people I really like) have been quite scathing about the Celebrity aspect. Yeah yeah. Very funny – you think you’re the first?

See you soon friends

Justin xx

Hi

Just a quick update to let you know during the run of Two at the Royal Exchange, I’m going to be doing a very special Justin Moorhouse and Friends on 31st January 2012 at 7.30pm.

All the details are being finalised as we speak. It’ll be me and a few mates doing stand up in the round in the main theatre at the Royal Exchange – I’ve got a couple of names already onboard that will ensure this will sell out very quickly.

We will be giving the proceeds to two great local charities Wood Street Mission and The Children’s Adventure Farm – click on them to find out more.

I’ll be announcing the line up and how you can get tickets via my mailing list – so if you want to be in, fill in your email at the top of this page. I don’t send many emails out don’t worry. Just the odd one about rolex watches and making your winkie bigger.

Cheers

Justin x

Hi Readers (or listeners if you are using software that enables you to enjoy the internet despite not being able to read for whatever reason)

I’m going on the road again in 2012 – after doing 30 dates on the first leg of my tour and really enjoying it, I’m taking Justin Moorhouse – Can I Stay at Your House pt 2 everywhere. I mean everywhere. I was really impressed by Mark Watson doing his Request Stops tour. He said he’d go wherever people wanted him. I’m thinking the same, so if you know a venue near you and you think enough people would come to make it worthwhile get in touch. I’m going to be doing Scotland, Ireland, Wales, The West Country and East Anglia on this tour – loads of places I’ve never performed before.

We are busy booking it all in now – so hopefully there’ll be some dates online very soon.

Hope I can stay at near your house soon.

Justin

I’m writing this in the quiet coach of the 1020 from Euston to Stockport – Sunday morning. I always go for the quiet coach option – bit of relaxation, a couple of hours of headspace. I think I’m going to have to give up it’s not good for my health. No one respects the rules.  Nor do they respect a grumpy, overweight, tired comic shouting ‘IT’S THE QUIET COACH YOU IMBECILES’. I’ve tried the other method - doing the sneak up walk, apologetically pulling a concerned face and pointing out delicately that it’s the coach where you aren’t supposed to use your phone. That just makes me look like a prick though. Ahh…I need to get over myself.

Moving on. Canterbury was the final night of my tour last night –  much fun. Thanks to everyone who came to the shows, I enjoyed all of them and I hope to see you all soon again. In the meantime I’ve got loads of gigs heading towards Christmas around the North West before I start rehearsals for Two at the Royal Exchange in Manchester – you can buy tickets for that here.

Speak soon

Justin x

Shocking news today as Frankie Cocozza has been ‘sensationally’ booted from X Factor

Full story  A rushed out webpage that has TWO names on the byline here

Hard-partying Frankie has been one of this year’s headline-grabbing wannabes with his late night boozing and sexual exploitations. The mop-topped rocker, 18, has broken a “golden rule” and was axed of the house this morning, say insiders. A show source said: “Frankie is devastated but he has broken a golden rule so producers had no option but to axe him. “He had an extra boost from being kept in at the weekend when he thought he was going to go. “But now his dream is officially over and he only has himself to blame.” He told his mentor Gary Barlow that he planned to QUIT last weekend if he landed in the bottom two of the public vote.

BUT WHAT WAS THE GOLDEN RULE? – WE NEED TO BE TOLD.

Luckily thanks to knowing someone in the X Factor production team, I have access to these ancient Cowellisms.

1. You shall at all times refer to your experience on X Factor as a ‘journey’. This ‘journey’ begins as you queue up in whatever desolate and decrepit town we have bothered to show up and shovel the detritus, mentally unstable and vaguely talented contestants from this year. You are now our bitch.

2. You shall attempt to ‘shine’ and ‘aim high’. Please note under no circumstances shall you ‘shine’ brighter than Simon Cowell’s veneers or ‘aim higher’ than his waistband. Understand bitch?

3. Your family are nothing now. Please note they will be permitted at our discretion to be in the audience on occasion. Subject to marketing and medical/veterinary clearance. They must simply have a shitty home made sign and/or t-shirts made. Please note if their dental hygiene is of questionable standard then a sign and T-shirt is necessary to prevent their rot infested mouths drawing focus on sweeping camera shots.

4. At all times we reserve the right to invoke the ‘I think we’ve made a mistake’ story beat. You’ll not be informed of this – however if after being rejected at some point in your ‘journey’ you hear the strains of an insipid soft rock song just before the key change – be aware. If this shall happen it is the express wish of the X Factor team and by your agreeing to these conditions that you shall look extremely grateful. Your house shall be shabby and cluttered with cheap consumer goods, at least three members of your family must be at the house when we arrive to give you the good news.

5. Under no circumstances shall you behave like a pop star until we have decided you are one. Therefore no ‘wild parties’, ‘having fun’ or ‘having ideas of your own’ will be tolerated.

6. You may cry. In fact please do.

7. We shall pick the Winner’s Song. Despite it maybe being less appropriate than Rose West being made Brown Owl – you shall be grateful.

8. Don’t be a bellend.

9. Remember that charm you had at first audition, that wide eyed innocence. Forget it. Bitch – you are in the machine now.

10. Misha B is going to win X Factor 2011. We know this and you know this. Therefore don’t be surprised when we have to jiggle the storyline to stop an audience haemorrhage.

It’s been a while since we caught up hasn’t it? Since I last posted I’ve done tour shows in Sheffield, Bury, Durham, Colchester, Preston, Kendal, Harrogate, Oldham, Huddersfield, Birmingham, Stockport, Cleethorpes, Buxton and Maidenhead. I’ve enjoyed each and every one of them immensely. Sometimes the rooms have been a bit ‘over ambitious’ in terms of size. I’m well aware of how that can make an audience feel but I hope we addressed it, dealt with it and moved on – hey? Just got a few left – New Brighton tonight, Andover on Saturday then Derby, Darlington and Canterbury next weekend to finish.

I’m busy trying to get all things Les Dawson into my brain ready for my appearance on Celebrity MasterMind (I do have to keep saying – I’m neither). I wish I was as relaxed as he looks on this photo.

Good news about ‘Everyone Quite Likes Justin’ we have been asked to do a second series for Radio 4 – six episodes this time and they are repeating Series 1 at 6.30. We’ve written an episode for television as well and we have our fingers crossed.

Keep being you

Justin x

Hello Website Readers

Either the ‘cuts’ are more severe than we thought or this picture has been photo-shopped badly in the Mirror.

Hope you are well and dandy? It’s Monday 3rd October and I thought I’d make a post before the inevitable end of the world this week. It’s happening surely isn’t it? There can be no other rational reason that we are experiencing the juxtaposition of leaves falling and tropical weather. Is no one else worried? Am I the only one prepared for some kind of rapture/alien invasion/meteor strike? When the smell of barbecues is mixed with the sulphur stink of early Bonfire night fireworks as I’m walking my dog then you have to stop think and make your peace with the loved and estranged before Armageddon Day.

Now you are in a great mood hey? Time to sell tickets. It’s just over a third of the way through my tour, I’m enjoying the shows a lot. A couple of the venues have been ‘sparse’. To be fair I have been booked into some far flung big venues – thankfully the worst of the tough nights are behind me and I can look forward to some cracking dates left on the tour. Sheffield Memorial Hall is one I’m particularly anticipating this week. Bury as well – it’s a SELL OUT. I can put that on the posters now – SELL OUT TOUR. Thanks to every single person who has been so far – the gigs have all been fun and well received (does that sound too big headed?). All the dates are on the ‘Come and See Me’ button.

The tour dates so far in sentence at the most

Swindon – First night and heckled (in a gentle way) for my lack of sartorial elegance.
Leeds – New Time Music Hall – the smell of legends and new paint.
Wolverhampton – Slade Rooms – mama we are all crazy now – but don’t worry theres not too many of us.
Bromsgrove – What more could you ask than venue, a NEW college and a Premier Inn on the same site.
Stafford – Heckled before the gig began, from the stage, and the mic didn’t work – ended up much fun.
Blackpool – Cosy.
York – Cosier.
Telford – Cosiest.
Blackburn – Lee the young scientist, alone and abandoned – being groomed by the WPC and her evil husband.
Middleton – stench of chlorine, smoke overload and the longest booziest interval so far.
Cambridge - at the Junction – what’s the phrase – never enter a box junction unless the exit is clear?

This arrived in the post today. It’s the second Les Dawson autobiography. It cost me the very bargainous* price of  £2.60 including the postage from a very nice man on eBay. It’s well read, a little frayed around the edges and smells, well, homely. I think a description that would also fit the great man very well. As long as you also included the phrase – very funny. I had to pay top dollar for his original autobiography A Clown Too Many – though that one is in hardback and I can’t tell you what it smells of yet as it hasn’t arrived. It saddens me to think I had to go to eBay for these books. I looked everywhere for them – Amazon, all the usual booksellers. Nothing. I’ve read them before – even before I became a comedian I was a huge fan of Les and I think if I’m honest his story inspired me to become a comic. I like to think so. If not then he definitely is they type of man I’d like to aspire to be. I’m surprised they aren’t still in print. Maybe they are and he’s just so popular I caught them when they were out of stock – here’s hoping. Oh and the reason I’ve bought them again? Well as I may have told you – I’m booked to do Celebrity Mastermind in Novemeber (despite being neither) and my specialist subject is the Life and Work of Les Dawson. I’ve bough the books so I can set up on dates and times etc. so you can imagine I wasn’t too pleased to read this passage.

*made up word – nice though hey?

Five things I want to share with you.

1. A very important court case is beginning today – words do fail me. I’ll just let you read this for yourself

2. This video of my mate Paul Thorne should be seen by as many people as possible – please spread the word it’s funny, timely and he’s good lad

3. My show on Key 103 is organising a zip wire for Whizz Kidz – a great charity – be lovely if you fancied it. Full details here

4. My season sabbatical continues, no football for me for twelve months – still looking for things to do – if you can suggest stuff then get in touch here

5. Tickets are still available for all many most of my tour dates. Please come along, comedy is rubbish without an audience, it’s just a man stood in a room talking to himself. Don’t let that happen. I may end going down the defecating on dead hedgehogs route.

I’ve just plugged my phone into the computer for the first time in a month. Thought I’d share some of the pictures with you.

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