Shocking news today as Frankie Cocozza has been ‘sensationally’ booted from X Factor

Full story  A rushed out webpage that has TWO names on the byline here

Hard-partying Frankie has been one of this year’s headline-grabbing wannabes with his late night boozing and sexual exploitations. The mop-topped rocker, 18, has broken a “golden rule” and was axed of the house this morning, say insiders. A show source said: “Frankie is devastated but he has broken a golden rule so producers had no option but to axe him. “He had an extra boost from being kept in at the weekend when he thought he was going to go. “But now his dream is officially over and he only has himself to blame.” He told his mentor Gary Barlow that he planned to QUIT last weekend if he landed in the bottom two of the public vote.

BUT WHAT WAS THE GOLDEN RULE? – WE NEED TO BE TOLD.

Luckily thanks to knowing someone in the X Factor production team, I have access to these ancient Cowellisms.

1. You shall at all times refer to your experience on X Factor as a ‘journey’. This ‘journey’ begins as you queue up in whatever desolate and decrepit town we have bothered to show up and shovel the detritus, mentally unstable and vaguely talented contestants from this year. You are now our bitch.

2. You shall attempt to ‘shine’ and ‘aim high’. Please note under no circumstances shall you ‘shine’ brighter than Simon Cowell’s veneers or ‘aim higher’ than his waistband. Understand bitch?

3. Your family are nothing now. Please note they will be permitted at our discretion to be in the audience on occasion. Subject to marketing and medical/veterinary clearance. They must simply have a shitty home made sign and/or t-shirts made. Please note if their dental hygiene is of questionable standard then a sign and T-shirt is necessary to prevent their rot infested mouths drawing focus on sweeping camera shots.

4. At all times we reserve the right to invoke the ‘I think we’ve made a mistake’ story beat. You’ll not be informed of this – however if after being rejected at some point in your ‘journey’ you hear the strains of an insipid soft rock song just before the key change – be aware. If this shall happen it is the express wish of the X Factor team and by your agreeing to these conditions that you shall look extremely grateful. Your house shall be shabby and cluttered with cheap consumer goods, at least three members of your family must be at the house when we arrive to give you the good news.

5. Under no circumstances shall you behave like a pop star until we have decided you are one. Therefore no ‘wild parties’, ‘having fun’ or ‘having ideas of your own’ will be tolerated.

6. You may cry. In fact please do.

7. We shall pick the Winner’s Song. Despite it maybe being less appropriate than Rose West being made Brown Owl – you shall be grateful.

8. Don’t be a bellend.

9. Remember that charm you had at first audition, that wide eyed innocence. Forget it. Bitch – you are in the machine now.

10. Misha B is going to win X Factor 2011. We know this and you know this. Therefore don’t be surprised when we have to jiggle the storyline to stop an audience haemorrhage.