1 February 2007

MEN Column - What's the alternative to a 'nice night in'?

STAYING in is the new going out. There I've said it.

If, like me, you are a fan of the fortnightly publication, Private Eye, you'll know that saying something is the new something is a no-no.

For instance you may have heard, brown is the new black, or hair straighteners are the new curlers, and quite possibly that Iraq is the new Vietnam.

To be honest, I'm probably not the first to say that staying in is the new going out but, to be fair, I've only just realised it.

It has sort of crept up on me, like a mugger after my mobile phone and wallet, only the act of staying in is probably more expensive and traumatic than anything a drug-addled hoodie could inflict on me.

These days, the idea of heading into town, hanging with my homies (I don't know if I have or ever did have homies by the way), sipping Cristal champagne and checking the fly girls out seems like such an alien proposition.

I'm more likely to be hanging out at home, sipping a cup of tea and checking that my fly isn't undone on my jim jams when the pizza man arrives.

I am aware that these words of patheticness are appearing in the CityLife section of this paper - the part of the paper designed to enthuse about the exciting delights on offer for those with a penchant for night-time activities (I've just re-read that sentence and realised it could probably also refer to Badger Weekly).

It's not that I don't realise the irony, but that I have to tell it like it is.

Village Life

On a side issue, my 87-year-old aunt was reading one of my previous columns and ended up thumbing through the rest of this section. It was an interesting conversation trying to explain exactly which Village that the Village Life section was reporting from about those nice men who like their "house" to be "hard and horny".

Usually on a Saturday night, if I'm not working, both I and the Current Second Potential Mrs Moorhouse will probably decide to have what is known as a "nice night in".

Which equates to a takeaway and two films from the DVD shop - the one that I like, and I know she probably would do, too, if she would just give it a chance, and a romantic comedy that, inevitably, we end up watching after 15 minutes of trying my movie.

I swear to God that if I ever have to see a combination of Jennifer Aniston/Adam Sandler/Vince Vaughan/ Jennifer Lopez fall in love, it all go wrong 20 minutes before its allotted hour and a half and then just before the credits roll get it on again, I will remove all DVD playing technology from my home.

I must be thankful for small mercies - at the moment we seem to be in a little hiatus from Saturday night TV reality shows. She, amazingly, doesn't like Dancing On Ice - I, on the other hand, would joyfully sit through this kind of entertainment for hours on end, only becasue there's a distinct possibility that one of those desperate celebrities may crack their head on the frozen stage.

Back to the "nice night in", though. Frankly, why a "nice night in" can only happen on a Saturday has always puzzled me. What's different on a Sunday to Friday night?

Mistake

I pondered this conundrum at length and then made a big mistake - I asked.

Never question something that is set in stone domestically - you are opening a can of worms.

A cheery, if sarcastic, comment along the lines of "ooh, a nice night in - I wonder what we shall do?" was met with a stony glare and icily whispered retort of "well, what would you rather do, Mr Playboy - go out on your own and meet other girls?"

At this point the temptation to take on board all the relationship advice I've learnt over the years (mainly from Trisha and Oprah), that "It Is Always Best To Be Honest" was incredibly tempting.

"Well, love, if you don't mind looking after the kids?"

I decided against that, you know, you have to weigh these things up . . . kids, loving relationship, massive shared mortgage.

That and I probably wouldn't end up talking to girls, I'd end up playing pool with my mate John and wondering if the rom-com we got from the shop was on two-day hire.