23 March 2007

Sport?

WHAT is sport? Well, according to one of my many leather- bound dictionaries in my oak-panelled library, it's defined as "diversion; recreation; pleasant pastime." You wouldn't think so this week, though, would you? It seems that the whole of Britain has gone sport crazy, and I mean Krazy with a capital K.

Firstly Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff had a few beers and went a bit daft on a pedalo in the Caribbean. Is this the same Freddie we all lauded as being the saviour of English cricket in the not too distant past? The same bloke everybody liked because he was a bloke who liked a beer and still could thrash the Aussies with a little bit of luck and a couple of Alka Seltzers?

Now he's shameful and an idiot, and that was just his wife talking, according to one report I read. Incidentally, she did say she was taking him some home comforts when she pops over. No not a few beers, but Easter eggs and a new brown bikini. I'm the same, if the Current Potential Second Mrs Moorhouse isn't around in her brown bikini, I tend to go bonkers on a pedalo after a few scoops.

Then we had the disgraceful scenes that marred the two quarter-final replays in the FA Cup this week. After winning the tie at White Hart Lane, Chelsea players were seen to be performing disgusting acts such as celebrating, cavorting and being very pleased with themselves indeed. This led one young man to run on to the pitch and demonstrate why he was North London Pathetic Puncher of the year 2005-2006. If he had connected it would have been at least something on target for Martin Jol's men.

It then appears Didier Drogba "put the boot in", as is the common parlance . Once again, the hyperbole that surrounded the event, much like the aforementioned haymaker, missed the ugly truth of the matter. That is, someone, being of what appears to be normal intelligence and of adult age, ran on to a football pitch and attacked a player. Not because he objected to Chelsea's apparent lack of respect for the game of football as we know it by attempting buy everything they can. That would have been understandable, although not accepetable.

No, he did it because the player in question wears a different colour shirt to the players he likes every week. A case of polyester racism.

Thirdly, I cannot believe no one has picked up on Gareth Southgate's comments after United's match with Middlesborough on the same night. If you recall, the game was settled (and not for the first time this season) by what at seemed at first sight a debatable penalty decision involving Cristiano Ronaldo. It then appeared that members of the Boro bench were heard to proclaim the tricky Portuguese genius was wait for it, a cheat. A cheat, what's next? Mardy bum? Big Girls' Blouse?

Taunt

This incensed Carlos Queiroz, the United number two (an unfortunate job title). Come on, Carlos it's only a word, a playground taunt. You yourself have been called much worse by the bloke behind me at the match, I can tell you.

After the game Gareth Southgate, who I have always thought looks very much like a middle class spinster, refused to condemn his own player, who was sent off for attempting to murder Ronaldo (to be fair I'm over-egging it slightly) with his size nines.

He said: "In that situation, we would all love to do that."

Really? You want to hurt someone because they are better at something than you?

A psychoanalyst would have a field day. Did you torture animals as a child, Gareth?

I, for instance, am in awe of the comedian Billy Connolly; I've never felt like running on to his stage and harpooning him, though.

Just because I know Martin Amis is a better writer than me, you won't find me lurking at his next book signing with a scythe and an evil intent about my persona.

This time next week I'll be hosting a gig for the Danny Wallace Foundation at Sam Platt's in the shadow of Old Trafford football ground. Please come and help us raise awareness and funds in the name of the man who lit up football grounds all over the country, including Old Trafford, and is now battling the effects of multiple sclerosis but getting on with his life and project with a remarkable dignity.