In the meantime have a look at this. It’s probably the saddest thing I’ve seen in about 4 weeks.

It’s to mark the this week’s anniversary of the passing of Jim Henson, remarkably 22 years ago.

You know me I don’t like to talk about all the great work I do for charity. I do loads, in fact it’s a nightmare for me going on a flight, forever held up at the security scanner with my huge heart of gold.

Seriously though it’s very easy for comedians to raise some money for worthwhile stuff. Twenty minutes of our time at a local gig costs us nothing in real terms, add in the fact that most of us enjoy being on stage and the audiences tend to be really nice at these events and everyone is a winner. It isn’t a selfless thing either – the great feeling you get doing something you enjoy doing and raising money is unbeatable.

I have arranged a gig on the 17th May at The Chorlton Irish Club for the opening night of Chorlton Arts Festival. It promises to be a great night and all money raised will contribute to the Festival’s digital arts work with young people.

If you have ever been to one of my gigs like this or this that I’ve done before for charity then you’ll know the drill. We don’t release the line up until it’s sold out. We always put on bills that people can’t believe and the bonus is they come to see a great show, possibly are a bit surprised and they’ve bought a ticket for the right reason. Once again this is the case. Tickets cost £10 and you will not be disappointed. Buy then now to avoid looking like a lemon when you find out who is on.

Tickets are on sale now from here

Spread the word friends.

Justin

19.4.12 revised after first posting – see EDIT later on.

It is with a huge amount of trepidation that I bring you the following thoughts. I stand on the precipice of my humble life in comedy. Frankly I may blow it all for ‘speaking my mind’. However speak it I must.

Two separate things have happened to me today that have made me think about comedy and my fellow comedians. I woke up to receive the following email from Jongleurs. Jongleurs if you don’t know are famous brand in comedy, blah blah blah history – it was sold, used to be called something else (Highlight), blah blah, went bust, got name back, different company. Whatever. Jongleurs/Highlights do get a fair bit of stick. I’m no expert I’ve never been a regular. I’ve played three different Jongleurs/Highlights clubs in my time. I liked the Battersea one; Graham the soundman is a dude. He’s at the Comedy Store in London now. The Leeds one is lovely, low ceiling – I played it quite a few times haven’t done for years.

The Manchester one was a hole. Horrible, I played it a few times always last minute. The last time I was there someone threw a chicken wing at me (chewed). I walked off stage and never went back. I’ve not gigged for them for years. So I was surprised to be on their email list.

Dear all,

Maria x

With the Sun? Really? Of all the brands you could have gone with you went with The Sun? But let us not dwell, let’s remember this is ANY form of comedy – songs, magic, mime, poetry, sketches and of course stand-up itself. Good I do stand-up.
I’m presuming I’d fall into the circuit veteran category. Well that sounds like something I can’t afford to miss. A performing contract with Jongleurs. Oh and a cash prize. I don’t know why – but I couldn’t resist clicking on the link. It gets worse.

The live event will be hosted by Cole Parker (ITV1′s Show Me The Funny) and The Sun’s Comedy Columnist Tommy Holgate, with comedy actress Lou Michelle and Lauren McAvoy (Britain’s Next Top Model winner) ensuring the very best video reportage.

The judging panel will consist of Jongleurs founder and owner Maria Kempinska, Comedy Producer Jerry Palmer and iconic ‘Allo ‘Allo! actress Vicki Michelle.

It doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good does it? Doubtless though people will enter. Even some from the circuit. I’ve seen a little bit of discourse on social networks today, one or two people have texted me. No one though has said publicly – hang on this sounds a bit shit. It’s like this every time. You know why? It’s because comedians are insular self-centred pieces of work. All of us.

There is a huge amount of jealousy in comedy, a good dollop of backstabbing and more than a fair share of bitchiness. Comedians rise up the ranks through either hard work or by being lucky. I must say I’m sick of the number of really poor comedians who rise to Arena tours and television shows through luck alone.

It happens nearly every week. Monday they are dong the Dog and Broom Open Mic night in Huddersfield next thing you know they are swapping bon mots with Gwyneth Paltrow on Graham Norton’s show the very next weekend. Bollocks obviously. Every single comedian that has risen to a level of success one could be jealous of in the least ten years has had ‘something’. You might not like what they have BUT enough of an audience do – fair play hey? Yet, I can think of only one or two comedians that have made the leap who have escaped barbs and sneery comments from the ‘circuit’. Ah that word – the ‘circuit’. Literally it can be taken as meaning a continuous loop of doing the same thing over and over again, going nowhere, but tiring yourself out as you plod endlessly towards death. For some of us that’s what the circuit is for others they build up enough momentum to launch themselves from it.

However it could be perceived as a community of like-minded souls, all with a common purpose to entertain (and inform) audiences up and down this land. A band of comedic brothers. It’s never that though. There isn’t a community, a union, and a common set of values. It is by its very nature a bitchy narrow-minded ego fest. You know what – that’s fine. The adage it’s show business not show friends is very true, I’ve made some great friends during my time, I’ve also met people I like enough to spend evenings and weekends away with. I’ve travelled to far corners to do gigs with very different personalities and in the main I’ve got along fine with all of them.

However there are people I don’t like on the circuit. There are others I mistrust, can’t abide, and am bored of – y’know like life itself? There are a number I wouldn’t throw the complimentary water from the dressing room onto if they were on fire. Yet another old adage rings true – it’s nice to be nice, or even if you have nothing nice to say – say nothing at all. I’m of the opinion that you’ll never get along with some people and what is the point of worrying or trying to make friends with people you wouldn’t in real life. I’m nearly 42 – I’ve got enough mates.

EDIT I’m editing this paragraph in after speaking to a couple of people I like and respect – I don’t wish to come across as someone who HATES comedy and comedians – I don’t at all. I love comedy and get along with 99% of my colleagues, I just get a bit tired sometimes with the negativity that maybe I’ve projected myself in this piece. Hope you allow me the courtesy of slightly altering my position – please like me! EDIT

However today I got a little bit annoyed. There are pictures in the media of John Bishop (and David Walliams but I don’t know him) posing for photos with David Cameron.

They are from a Downing St event where people (celebrities to be fair) were thanked for their efforts during the recent Sport Relief campaign. I’m not a Cameron fan – far from it, but I understand how these things must work. It’s Downing St who invite you, you meet David Cameron, have a glass of fizz, eat some canapés, shake some hands, photos get taken and the charity gets a bit more profile.

It’s quite a naff picture, an opportunistic PR grab by Big Society Prime Minister, he ends up looking good supporting John and David Walliams and the rest in their efforts. Where is the problem in that? It seems though this is distasteful to the circuit. Through social networking I saw a number of people I like (and like a lot in one instance) had posted the picture and this led to some frankly horrible comments. Now John is a big lad and I’d go as far to imagine he couldn’t give a shit. However I couldn’t help think wouldn’t it be nice to be nice for once about someone who has done well for himself, and done something nice for other people. It’s taken me over a thousand words to realise it’s because what I have known all along – comedians aren’t always lovely.

Hello

Despite giving the impression in my previous post about not being sure about stand-up comedy courses, I’ve only gone and and agreed to get involved in the following with the Royal Exchange Theatre. Just to be clear/wriggle out of accusations of being a hypocrite – these are for young people. I’m not sure there is a guarantee you’ll end up being a comedian at the end of it, plus if the worst happens and we just have a laugh and some kids end up a bit more confident about stuff – who loses?

Taking a little break from writing series 2 of Everyone Quite Likes Justin for Radio 4 – we have a deadline coming up and it’d be nice (and contractually necessary) to hit it.

In the meantime I’m in London this weekend doing the Comedy Store (best club in the world) and Headliners (best club in Chiswick). I’m also popping up at the Udderbelly on the Southbank on the Saturday night (best upside down purple cow next to the Thames). All the details for the Store and Headliners are on the come and see me page, click the link for the Udderbelly.

The fabulous and funny Jo Caulfield has for some time been posting advice for new comedians on her website. It began in response to new comics asking her advice, she posted  a few nuggets and then over time she asked friends of hers from the circuit to contribute.  I’ve enjoyed reading them and I was thrilled when she asked me.

I love stand-up comedy – it’s the single best thing I could ever possibly do for what is laughingly called a job. I’m happy talking about it and meeting new people ready to step up and have a go, I’m always happy to give advice. In fact a couple of years ago Mick Ferry (he also has contributed to Jo’s website) ran a very informal get together for stand-up rookies at his Space Cadet nights at TV21 in Manchester’s Northern Quarter. He asked me to do a couple and I think the people enjoyed them and got something out of them.

I’m not a massive fan of stand-up comedy courses, for some people I’m sure they can be a help, in fact one or two really good comics you may have seen on the television started out doing on – I’m pretty sure they would have got on with or without doing them.

The really good courses tell you quite clearly that learning to be a stand up isn’t done in a classroom, you have to get out there and just write and do the gigs. Die a bit, storm a bit and do very average for a lot of the time. What the good courses teach you is the basics of holding a mic, doing your time, how to get gigs etc. It’s up to you if you want to do one -it won;t do you any harm that’s for sure. Have a read of the advice Jo has gathered and here’s my contribution.

• Avoiding name dropping and using other people’s anecdotes.

• Don’t just bang on about what happens at other gigs on stage.

• You can’t be a stand up comedian unless you have to be one. (Mick Ferry told me Lee Evans told him that at the Glee in Birmingham)

• Avoid the word ‘genius’ on your Edinburgh poster.

• Write jokes every day. Write better jokes than you did the day before. Rewrite the jokes you have leaving a space after each punchline to put another punchline in. Seriously, you can’t improve your performance skills off-stage, you can improve your writing though.

• Do every gig you are offered and can do. Nothing beats stage time. Try and see as many of the acts on the show as you can, you’ll learn lots quickly.

• Try and get open spots at the best clubs – make this your focus when booking gigs. I know it’s harder than it used to be, but it’s the only way you’ll progress to paid work.

• Don’t talk about ‘progression’ – no one ever uses this word who goes on to be a comedian.

• No one in any audience will be thinking that you may be the ‘bastard love-child’ of any strange pairing of famous people.

• Keep your fucking hands off the mic stand when you wrap up until you have actually finished if I’m MC’ing.

• For every £100 you earn, keep a third for tax, a third for expenses, spend the rest at the bar.

• Learn from your deaths. It’s always your fault in some way, even if the gig is badly organised, sparsely attended, badly lit, over-heckled, full of Japanese only speakers, beery, in a strip-joint, south of the river, on a bank holiday – whatever. If the other comics didn’t die as badly as you – then you did something wrong.

• Record all your gigs and listen to them twice and twice only (on the way home and on the way to the next gig if possible) make notes. Refer to those notes next time you gig, and repeat.

• Chances are if somebody is doing the same gag as you they didn’t nick it, it was just an obvious joke. Write another one to replace, don’t waste time and energy bemoaning it.

• Try and talk about something else other than comedy with other comedians. You’ll be surprised how interesting it might be.

• There are no hard and fast rules to clothes. Though as I’ve got older I’ve realised the looser and shabbier your clothes are the tighter your stuff has to be on stage. Conversely if you look sharp and like you mean business you can get away with waffling for a bit.

• Topical stuff works well when it’s topical. In fact you can get away with easier/obvious/hack material if it’s clear you’ve wrote it that day. The audience will give you leeway with it. Couple of days after and you need to make sure you have ‘the’ joke to do stuff about a big news story.

• I’ve never understood the point of “give us a cheer if you……”. Seriously, what is the point? Please will someone let me know?

• Try and fill your car up with fuel before you get on the motorway. Have a big wee and a pooh too, take a snack and some water. Anything to avoid service stations in Britain – they are the work of the Devil.

• The first time you headline it should be a thrill. Savour it and strive to always be the top of the bill. There will come a time when you will gladly go on first at any gig so you can get home at a decent hour (providing the money is the same of course).

• If you do compere then every act on the bill should have the same introducing line, something like…..please welcome our next act….John Smith. Not “our next is a woman” or “our next act is quite new”…or “I worked with this act last week, he had a bad one then but I reckon he’s got something about him…”

• Enjoy it. It’s not just a job – it’s the best job in the world.

Life smells good, I’m at the bank early and because I knew I would be I do a little work sat in the car park on the iPad I’ve brought with me because I knew I would be early, and hey – every moment counts when the world is as grand and sun filled as this morning. I see the bank open, go in and smile and do my business (paying in a cheque not defecating in the RBS in some kind of protest at the state-owned business not making lending easier for struggling companies) – I bid the cashier a lovely day and trot back home.

The dog greets me with a waggy grin and I get her lead to give her a run in the park before settling down to finish editing the first draft of episode 2 of Everyone Quite Likes Justin. The park is quiet, only the usual other dog walkers and I exchange pleasantries with a smile and an acknowledgment that isn’t it a lovely day hey? I throw the ball and my gorgeous chocolate labrador pelts off to retrieve it, her coat glistening in the warm bathe of the sun. She returns with the ball in her mouth, drops it at my feet and goes to do her ‘business’ (not like mine in the bank – you know what I mean). I poop-a-scoop and we continue up the path past the park keeper who is tidying up the beds next to the toilets and and I give him a little wink – ordinarily two middle aged men exchanging a knowing wink outside a public convenience could be misconstrued, not today – today is sunshine day, first day of a glorious Spring.

It’s then everything starts to go wrong. I launch the ball from its launcher for the dog to chase over a large tree. I often do this to make the ball throwing game more interesting for her and for me.

The ball doesn’t drop. It’s lodged quite high up, but it’s not a problem. I throw the ball launcher up into the tree’s canopy to release the ball. The ball launcher gets caught in the branches. No problem, I’ve got something else. I throw the lead to dislodge the ball launcher. The lead gets stuck. The dog is circling the tree thinking this is the best game ever.

It’s then I make the biggest error of the morning. The only other projectile I have to hand is a small black bag. A small black bag tied and containing the ‘business’. I fling it skyward toward the lead, the ball and the ball launcher stuck up in the high branches. It misses all three targets. Gravity -that reliable bitch – kicks in. The small black bag, tied and containing the ‘business’ begins to hurtle toward the ground. Like a fielder in a game of cricket (or baseball US readers) I steady myself and cup my hands to catch it. I catch it. Unlike a cricket ball (or a baseball) it splits.

Whilst a crowd gathers and watches an out of breath, overweight man, wiping excrement from his hands on the grass with a labrador staring at him and a collection of detritus above him stuck in a tree, all the time shielding their children’s eyes from the horror, I think to myself, this isn’t how I thought today would be.

When you cast your eyes upon the skylines
Of this once proud nation
Can you sense the fear and the hatred
Growing in the hearts of its population

And our youth, oh youth, are being seduced
by the greedy hands of politics and half truths

The beaten generation, the beaten generation
Reared on a diet of prejudice and mis-information
The beaten generation, the beaten generation
Open your eyes, open your imagination

We’re being sedated by the gasoline fumes
and hypnotised by the satellites
Into believing what is good and what is right

You may be worshipping the temples of mammon
Or lost in the prisons of religion
But can you still walk back to happiness
When you’ve nowhere left to run?

Andif they send in the special police
To deliver us from liberty and keep us from peace

Then won’t the words sit ill upon their tongues
when they tell us justice is being done
and that freedom lives in the barrels of a warm gun